


stages of grief

by antiopesgirlfriend



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 01:17:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16776712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antiopesgirlfriend/pseuds/antiopesgirlfriend
Summary: yaz tried to save the doctor. but she failed.





	stages of grief

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheIronDragon10](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIronDragon10/gifts).



> a quick thanks to @TheIronDragon10 for hyping me up abt this fic while also telling me that i need to stop writing and go to sleep. she said i should tag it as "it'll fucking wreck your soul but you'll love me for it™" so there's your warning <3

  
Yaz had tried. She had never tried so hard in her life. Yaz had tried to save the Doctor. But she had failed.   
  
Everything had happened so quickly. The pull of the trigger. The journey of the bullet. Its impact on the Doctor’s body. Even Yaz acted quickly. She ripped her top off, holding it to the entry wound, trying to stop the doctor from bleeding out. It did not work. Yaz had failed.   
  
She held the Doctor close to her, first allowing happy memories of their time together to fill her head. Their trips, their tricks, their tomfoolery. A ghost of a smile graced her face and fell just as quickly as it arrived. How could she feel happiness, even just the memory of it, when the Doctor was gone?  
  
Yaz had not been old enough to bereave her late grandfather. And when she thought of grief, images of pained sobbing came to her head. But this was not what she experienced. She pulled the Doctor to her chest, not quite believing she had gone. Silent tears ran down her cheeks, each leaving its own mark. Her heart felt heavy. Weighty. She felt as though it was crushing her lungs. She could not breathe.   
  
Her breathing became laboured. How could this have happened? How could this have happened to the Doctor? She didn’t deserve this. Nobody did. But the Doctor didn’t most of all. She lived her life ensuring the safety of all. She lived her life to sort fair play in the universe. She lived to save others. It wasn’t fair. It should have been someone else.   
  
It should have been Yaz. The Doctor could do far more good than her in the world. In the universe. She had so much more to offer. So many more lives to change. And Yaz just wouldn’t have the same impact. She couldn’t have the same impact. Why couldn’t it have been Yaz instead? It should have been. The only reason she was alive, and the Doctor was not, was because the Doctor had stepped between her and the bullet. it was meant for Yaz. Not the Doctor.   
  
How was Yaz going to carry on with her life? No-one at home knew the doctor. Her mother had met her. And Ryan and Graham had travelled with her too. But no-one knew the Doctor as Yaz did. She knew exactly what the Doctor was going to say before she said it. She knew what every facial expression meant. What every facial expression was meant to hide. The Doctor had been a secretive woman but Yaz had worked her out, piece by piece. She was the most beautiful, complex jigsaw puzzle Yaz had ever seen. And now she would never see her again.   
  
Soon, the Doctor would change. An orange tinge would overcome her skin. She would begin to glow. She would begin to change. Begin to regenerate. Deep in her heart, Yaz knew this was a good thing. The Doctor would live on. She would continue to save lives. But she would never be the same as she was in this life. She would never be the woman Yaz fell in love with. She would be the Doctor but she wouldn’t be Yaz’s Doctor.   
  
Yaz held the Doctor tighter to her chest, realising this would be the last time she could hold her Doctor in her arms. And that the Doctor had already held her in her arms for the last time. And there was nothing she could do to change that.  
  
A wise woman once said some parts of history must remain as they are without interference. This, Yaz knew, was what she had to do. Let the doctor regenerate. Let her become her own person once more. But Yaz would live on with her Doctor in her heart forever. And that was another thing that could not be changed.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading. i hope you still love me after it. this is not as soft as my usual writing but i hope it was still enjoyable (if that is the right word to use)


End file.
